Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in killahtex's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, November 15th, 2005
3:52 pm	tuesday woke up late, again. Got to economics and discovered that I forgot to do one of the homework assignments, which means I got a 0 for it. My homework grade is now a 76 where as it was an 82. This is not good news because a lot hinges on that grade. Later I had a test in French, i estimate a 70 or so. Which is too bad because that's another class I could use all the help available to me in. Thursday I will go to the lab. After this week I have to go to the lab for 2 hours every week. tragedy. better luck next semester. Next week i also have to start registring for classes, it's an arcane process filled with red tape and spiders. Im not sure if my federal aid has come in yet either. I wore my new clothes to school. Marie said I looked too serious. Marie's never seen my kiwi green underware though. And isn't that life in a nutshell - the man next to you that looks ready to jump between the trains might have some secret that would amaze you. Perhaps he was a soilder who saved his squad from death, or maybe a doctor in Africa who can not practice in America. You never know. I hate living with so many people. I need them all to leave. I think I need a vacation alone somewhere. That's not true. I'd just get bored and fret about all the things I should be doing. I do need to schedule my massage. The massage that im not too excited about. Tom wanted to take me to RENT tonight but i have to study for tomorrow's exam. It's a shame because I know how important taking me to show is to him. If it's worth anything to you I'd still hate musicals when it's over. study hall (Comment on this)
Monday, November 14th, 2005
11:47 pm	plans study harder, stop biting my nails, plan next semster, work out more, work out period. don't forget to shave, make flashcards, read more, get serious, get real, get out of debt, don't get a disease, don't get hit by a car, eat better, stop putting yourself in situations that give you bites, middle class realism, read more books, pretend to care more, care more, realize that next summer might be a reality that your not prepared for, prepare for it. Planning is control, control your reality, buy a pencil sharpner, buy pencils, no - buy mechanical pencils. Make time to think more, make time for sex, or at least thinking about it. Call dad, call dad and talk to him, listen, deal with that. deal with this. externalities, nihilism, sarte, a serious lack of surprise. Be surprised, be bored, be a fence, be a wall, lean more, lean on people less, quit quitting smoking, then quit smoking. later, on your terms, terms of engagment, there is not going to be an engagment, there never was anyways. too young to be old, old wrinkles, wrinkles on my forehead, pale skin, admit that you are narcissus (cue trumpets) but not narcissistic learn to spell. you're not going anywhere until you do. I used to get off on being put in the corner. corners. I was in a corner once in daycare but I was sick, it was the corner of a closet. where the fuck were my parents? where the fuck are my parents? why do I care now? make sure this is the juvenille thing you do. then start filing the brief amicus and go look for evidence (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 29th, 2005
9:39 am	gimme shelter "I hope you never get rich..." The primary source of philanthropic donations remains individuals, estimated at 84 percent of all gifts. Foundations account for 10 percent and corporations account for 6 percent, according to Giving USA. Foundations gave an estimated $23 billion to nonprofit organizations in 1999, according to the Foundation Center. Combined foundation assets exceeded $385 billion in 1999. Grant making by the nation's foundations grew by an estimated 17 percent in 1999, building upon the record 22 percent increase in 1998. Under federal law, foundations must give away 5 percent of their market value assets or interest income each year, whichever amount is greater, over a three-year period. Thus stock market growth leads to increased grantmaking. In 1999, the total number of all types of foundations grew 6 percent to almost 47,000, according to the Foundation Center. Foundation grantmaking has more than doubled since 1990, according to the Foundation Center. As an example, the Lilly Endowments' portfolio grew by $12 billion during just four years, requiring the foundation to contribute an average of $8 million in donations every single week. The 4,000 largest foundations control 90 percent of the total assets and make 80 percent of the grant awards. Small foundations predemoninate; 75% of foundations have less than $1 million in assets or give less than $100,000 annually. Family foundations, which are usually managed or influenced by the original donor or descendents, comprise two-thirds of all foundations in the United States. Although most family foundations have less than $5 million in assets, their combined impact exceeds $86 billion in assets with $5 billion in annual grants. While there are nearly 2.5 million corporations, only about one-third of them make contributions to nonprofit organizations. Although the Internal Revenue Service allows corporations to contribute up to ten percent of their pre-tax income in tax-deductible donations, most companies only donate approximately one percent of their pre-tax dollars. 94 percent of the corporations that made gifts to nonprofit organizations gave $1,000 or less, according to the 1988 book ABC’s of Grantsmanship. The $10-billion rise in charitable giving from 1997 to 1998 reflects the growing income of Americans who itemized their tax returns rather than any percentage increase in individual generosity, according to the Chronicle of Philanthropy. Among Americans with the highest incomes – those earning $200,000 or more – the average charitable deduction was 3.5 percent of their earnings. “Organizations should not receive more than 30 percent of their funding from any one source. An organization could lose 30 percent of its funding and probably survive, though it would be difficult, but the loss of more than 30 percent of funding would put any organization in dire straights. This rule means that while you could have more than 30 percent of income coming from membership (and many groups do), you cannot have one member providing 30 percent of all an organization's money. The IRS recognizes this principle with their "one-third rule." This rule of thumb that says if more than one-third of an organization's total income comes from one person, foundation or corporation, that organization does not meet the test of a public charity [that is, a 501(c)(3) organization] and if this condition persists for five years or more, an organization risks losing its public charity status.” – Kim Klein, Fundraising for Social Change, 1996 While corporate giving remains terribly low I personally think it relates to an understanding that 85% of charitable giving comes from families in America. That's not an excuse but it's certainly important to think about. If your company pays you a strong wage, it's expected you will give back to society. Furthermore, without the wealthy, or even the middle class there is no way that Non-Profits could have collectived brought in 385 billion in 1999 alone. It's an interesting dynamic. I would estimate that the number for 2005 is probably close to 500 billion given inflation and the slew of charities that have cropped up in a post 9/11, Iraq, Hurricane, world. I too hope I never have the disposable income to contribute to over half a trillion dollars worth of charitable giving in the world. These statistics also do not account for the curve created by people like George Soros and Bill Gates who donate directly through their own funds and personal foundations for particular acts of charity they themselves choose to take on. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, September 23rd, 2005
11:01 am	we dont notice any time pass It's friday. I've decided to skip my Economics lecture since I woke up late and I already have the notes. Playing hookie isnt nearly as exciting as it was when I was a kid because I'm actually paying for it now. Oh well. I feel like shit, I have some kind of seasonal cold or allergy problem or something. I cant really figure it out. I need to take better care of myself. You would think giving up the nightlife would do wonders but it really didnt. Eh. So my aunt was in town for a weekend. I came out to her and it was fine. She had a great time in New York come to find out. She's been really depressed since she got home. At first I thought she hated the city but after talking to her since then she's missed it terribly. She hates how dead her life looks. Here in the metropolis there are millions of people and places to be and thngs to do but there it is just work and children and a house she doesnt love. It made her feel older and like that perhaps she missed some big adventure that she never knew was waiting for her. I dont know what to do with that other than to really enjoy what I have and make the most of it for her sake. Im not doing as hot in school as I thought I would this first year. It's work. If I didnt work I'd be an A student. Which leads into this really frustrating cycle I was complaining to Tom about the other night. All my money pays off credit debt that the old me racked up when I was younger and stupid and all my time goes to school and work to make a good spot for the new me in the future but the me in the present is working double time for these other two Brians and is stressed the fuck out. Tom seems to be the biggest casuality of it all though Im making extra efforts to mend that. Im worried though, he reached his tipping point the other night and sometimes I wonder if Im a drag now. I cant help but think if I was straight some of this would be different. Would she have gotten knocked up? Would we be married? I doubt it. Joint finances? I dunno - its weird world the breeding type live in. Some more friends of Kelly's have arrived so I think its time I wrap this up and get to Socrates for lunch. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 13th, 2005
9:25 am	this thing on? Aunt was in town. She hated New York. Surprise Surprise- when you build your whole idea of a city around a TV show it's really just a given that it's going to fall short of everything you want it to be. Being gay didnt help either. She prides herself on being open minded and 'cool' but nobody likes having their limits challenged. She's ok with gays in the world but not when it's her nephew. Mostly she was just hurt that no one told her. School is going ok. Straight As in English and PoliSci, a B- in Economics and I can only assume French is going to be a D. We have a quiz on Friday in French, I cant even imagine the hell that will be the final. Tom was a real sport about Sheila's visit. My mom was terribly embarassed by Sheila and hoped that Tom would forgive her. I told mom it wasnt that dramatic. Work is boring, which is good I guess but I think im working about one shift too many to concentrate on school. I need help. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, August 27th, 2005
11:09 pm	Summer for the prime meridian I'm in the middle of the last day of Summer. It was a summer well spent. I'm a lot sadder than I thought I would be actually to watch the twilight of August. I thought this summer would be a wash, a series of let downs and near misses but come to find out there was a lot more good times than bad despite the deck being stacked against me. Sure I didnt't work for three months but then again I haven't had time off like that in ages. I moved in with Tom, got a cat, got a job, made a few friends. This isnt working. I'm feeling it but my hands just cant pull the words out of the air. I keep coming up with fists full of cliches and bad voice overs on teen aged drama shows. That paragraph above, I mean, it's accurate but it's trite also. Sometimes you have to really work if you want to say something - anybody can write down letters in an order that makes sense but it takes fucking drive to -write-. so Ill try again: Every summer is captured in a moment. One single event can carry the spirit of a season. So my moment is Tom and I at Florent's lakehouse. This was the summer of TexasToast. I moved into his home, quit smoking, healed wounds, and reintroduced him to places he had left his hat at. But back to the lakehouse. It was beautiful, kinda. We fought in the car the whole way there, I was terrified that he was going to wreck. Afraid that God had set Tom before me as a cruel test of my wits. Could love make me abandon common sense? Still I soldiered on and got in the car and proceeded to have an out of body experience, watching myself watch Tom as he drove to Lake Iosco. Praying for a quick death as the car would surely turn over itself. Alive, we headed to the cabin with a bag full of chips, bread, cheese, soda, and some kind of candy. We curl up on a couch. It's a couch that someone almost died on. We curl up on this couch, with the doors open and the lake outside and watch a movie. We sleep in a bed that has played midwife and wetnurse to some of the globe's kindest people. A list of people that you otherwise would find as reservations at the last great secret on the upper east side. The air is better there. The food taste better. The sun doesn't have such a kick for revenge, and Flo has the most amazing candle holders. I forget what the proper name is now for a candle holder. I dont guess it matters. None of it matters really because that's really what this summer was about. The lake isn't ours, the car wasn't neither. The house is not our style and I do not like the water. But still what a metaphor for a season I always underrate. You see - this summer was about living life on completly unsolid ground. It was about grabbing on to whoever was closest to me and enjoying the fall. You see - if you paid close attention you noticed two clever things about that sentence: 1. "grabbing on to whoever was closest to me" While this obviously refers to Tom since this has in fact been our Summer, it also refers to grabbing on to the few people I really consider friends. I took stock this summer of the people around me and weeded out what I did not need. And in the course of trimming back the hedges I actually discovered some friends that I never knew I needed until we were re-introduced. 2 "enjoying the fall" - this part is clever because it alludes to falling - which is an act out of one's control - but alludes to falling into "Fall" the next season. get it? So as it stands, Fall is just hours away. Or at least my own personal fall. I imagine it is going to be hard with school, work, a relationship, the holidays, and my birthday. The list goes on as it always does. Still though, nothing short of losing a limb could ruin my favorite season. I look forward to the days of visible breath and v neck sweaters. Look forward to scarves and pale skin. Late late nights with warm tea and handsome cigars. Blanket kingdoms and big dinners. Deep sleep and spirits in late October. Nothing is more lovely than Texas in Autumn. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, August 15th, 2005
9:41 pm	Phrenology For a moment there we all thought we were going to die. The heat had been at 100 for days and my cat got to the point where she let her tounge hang out of her mouth like a dog. But it worked out well, the sun broke and clouds moved in - there goes the neighborhood. My oldest cat died of cancer. She was 16 years old and lived with my dad in Vermont. Alan said it takes 16 years from your last cigarette for your body to completly recover from the effects of smoking. Sorry, I can't think 5 sentences without bringing up smoking, but more on that later...anyhow, Monoly (Mon all lee) died Sunday. Dad said she was walking around and then just collapsed and couldnt get back up. She was a wise old cat to say the least and as she grew old she started to grow dreadlocks all over her body as her hair went from brilliant black to sad old grey. Monoly was my actually my Mother's cat, we bought her the summer before I started 1st grade. I distinctly remember her in the cage of the pet store at Ridgmar Mall. I really wanted my mom to get the cat that was in the cage with her, he was black and white and running in circles, but my Mother chose her because she was a girl and my mother desperatly needed another woman in the house to bear the burden. She wasn't the most exciting cat, at least not by the standards that Dura an Ajax have set, but she was tender and loyal. A true lap cat. My mother let my dad take her after the divorce. My mother didn't want anything in the house that reminded her of life before the divorce. Monoly was packed up to Vermont, then back to Texas, then back to Vermont again. The last time I saw her she looked painfully old. Her bones felt like styrofoam but her eyes looked like marbles. She didn't seem to hold a grudge, which was nice all things considered. The day after she died I went to the DMV to surrender my Texas Drivers Liscence and get a New York one. There's a metaphor there somewhere. Tom is beating Hannah and Kelly with the big stick for their less than valiant efforts to quit smoking. But it's hard for me to hold a grudge when men like Mark Twain and Tom Robbins get it. My own efforts to not smoke have gone pretty well. I'm somewhere past week 10 now. But if I do decide to smoke again I'll be sure to buy Gallousies instead of American Tobacco Death Machine Republican smokes. To be honest though I'm past the serious cravings and now only suffer the occasional case of want. But oh how I do want. gnight delaware, goodnight aries. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, July 10th, 2005
11:51 am	funny. fuck you. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 5th, 2005
11:41 pm	nightstands. After a week or so of living in this new land Im starting to really love it. Who was it in the bible? Ruth. It's a very confusing time for me right now, there doesn't seem to be any room for optimism. I miss it actually. Not that I was ever a really optimistic person but lately I've been so un-impressed. Refusing to allow the chance of a great thing happening to me. All of my great things in life are subtle. This isnt to say that I am unhappy - quite the opposite. Just that I miss the naivety of being young and thinking any day your ship was going to sail. Tom's painting a bottle. breathing hard. focused on a firefly. It's interesting to see how he has changed and how he hasnt. It's been a good week for that - stepping out of the box and looking around again like a stranger. Dura longs for the good old days. we all do in one way or another. it's guilt that keeps us in the present. There is a reason the wheel can only spin one direction. In my head I had a book to write tonight but none of it seems to be coming out the way I want it to. be a little nicer for a while, and I'll do the same. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 22nd, 2005
4:45 pm	Summertime I stepped into the shower with every intention of getting clean and then taking some paintings from my house over to Tom's. Part of my strategy to move in several small pieces then try to get it all done in a day. The equivalent of slowly peeling a bandaid off instead of tearing in one strong move. Actually that's a bad analogy. The band aid analogy makes the mind think of things that hurt and to be honest this doesnt hurt really. It's natural, it's the way things work. Families evolve. It's the changing that makes them grow stronger. Kara was here not too long ago as I mentioned in a previous entry. It was good to have her around. Watching someone fall in love with the city is one of my favorite things. I think my favorite part of her visit was sneaking in to the Plaza hotel before they gutted the whole thing and having a look around at what was left. In every room there is a piece of the person who stood in it still hanging around. Trapped in the mirrors. In the ballrooms we saw the evidence of a fabulous party that must of been the long kiss goodnight a hotel like that deserves. Im glad I got to be a part of it in some small way. A week after she left Tom and I were walking across 11th street and I discovered that my favorite church has been torn to pieces also. Tom had less invested in that building so his indifference made me angry for a couple of hours. The thing about St. Ann's was that it was almost the opposite of a church. Just a tiny place to duck into and take in for a moment. Not nearly as proud as St. Patricks, not nearly as humble Iglesia Pentecosta but a church all the same. When I was there I got the feeling that despite it's sworn alligence to Rome and the Vatican, in her bosom you got to talk to God without all the ritual and none of pretense. If every church was judged as a person you could almost leave her alone when you burned the others to the ground as pentence for centuries of blood and gnashing of the teeth of heretics. With the Plaza and St. Anns razed,no job, Kara coming to visit, my coming move to a new home, and college on it's way it's hard not to think that everything I predicted about my XXIII year is coming about. It's not that all of the changes are good or bad, at least laying the foundation for greater good, it's the metaphor wrapped inside. If you don't pay attention to the things you love to take for granted, when they are gone, you rob yourself of the priveledge of regreting the loss. Jane the architecht. Cresha a craftsman. Tom the Astronomer up on a mountain looking for secrets. Alan with a fear of flying or maybe sudden movement in general. Kara's first step on to the tight rope. Miko and Kat inside a dark box of mirrors. and me holding my breath in Holland Tunnel waiting for the light, whichever of the two comes first. with the time going by like skin off the bone. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 21st, 2005
2:09 pm	weekend spent the weekend in the woods at a lake. surreal turn of events. still no job but at least there's a pulse now. wyatts pissed at me. which is only fair. school starts in a couple of months. need to make more of the summer. need money before I crash. not sure what to do. wish my aunt was paying for college. too bad. (Comment on this)
Friday, June 10th, 2005
12:53 pm	The Short Road Home (or, Come Down Jesus I'm Tired of Trying) Kara is in New York, which is strange because it's the reincarnation of my second trinity. Jane Cresha and I are the first, Alan Kara and Myself were the second. This time around though everything is different, yet entirely the same. It's like when a show has been off the air for a while and then the network does a special and everyone sits around and talks about what it was like to film the show. And true to form, while everyone loves the actors, what they miss is the characters. Kara found by a phone call that our friend Brian Hwang was shot by police last night. Friend isn't the right word I suppose, I knew him. I've been to his house, I remember when he got arrested, I'm sure I got a dime from him once, but he was a terrible kid. But Brian was from my generation, friends with Amon and Mike and Tony, he was close to Greg and I dated his sister and I grew up with a lot of those guys and between Michael having to cut off his own finger and Brian getting shot last night I realize now just how out of control everything really was back then. If I hadn't of moved I'd be at the funeral. In an epic twist of Irony I also know the officer who shot Brian, Officer Southey. I taught Officer Southey's son Adam karate. Having Kara in the city has forced me to pay attention to some rather ugly things about myself. The way I love, i guess. It's hard to describe what I mean so I guess I'll try to find a better language. I was thinking about our time together and how I earnestly tried to be a boyfriend. Going through the motions, adoring her laugh. When you get to know someone like that its strange because you can tell that we are all just people trapped inside bodies looking for a blunt enough weapon to crack the skin. It seems that the heart is the right shape but it's no good because it's just meat. A rock about that size would work a lot better but then you're just left with a cavity in your chest and nothing to hold onto. I've been thinking about something Tom said the other night about Alan and how occasionally when I stay at my house I sleep next to him. tom didn't mean anything at all by it but I realized that he has every right to call me a hypocrite given the nature of our relationship and fights we've had about where exactly the Mason Dixon line is and what constitutes crossing it. If I was jealous about anything with Tom and Christian it wasn't the physical touching, it was the intent behind the touching, the longing. And while I at first I didn't think anything about Alan or having him around last night as Kara Alan and I walked Times Square, faces lite up with neon light and the warm glow of old friends who been throught a lot together I couldn't help but feel cheated somehow, angry that in the end, none of us got anything we wanted. Alan never said he loved me, Kara never got the real boyfriend I have in me, and Alan never got Kara or happily ever after. We stood against a backdrop of man made sunlight and 24 hour news cast, there at the center of the world, we in a silent way, laid all of our cards out on the table. Everyone was holding a junk hand and with that I abruptly said good bye and headed home to Tom and my cats. Each time I think I have performed the last rights over my body and it's boyhood home I encounter a ghost and have to make amends. I hope that with the death of Brian Hwang and Kara's departure from my Island of exile I will have all the edges sewn and placed both coins over my eyes. I'm not sure if what comes next is the second act or just the end of the play but either way I'm ready for it to be over, I'm hard at work writing a new story. (Comment on this)
Friday, June 3rd, 2005
12:55 pm	as it is, so it goes. This week marks the two year anniversary of Tom and I as a duo. I want to write something romantic here but as I peer over my laptop monitor I see the top of my big toe has a large gash in it. Said gash is from my fancy new shoes I wore all last night, and what a night it was. Dressed in our finest, Tom and I bought cigars and strolled SoHo looking for an audience and settling for our own lovely company. I encountered the Star card again, pasted to the windshield of a car and this morning I find myself more and more intrigued by what it's supposed to mean. Ironically enough the Star has always been my favorite card in the Tarot. I didn't mention that to Tom the other night when we we're playing cards but I can only assume it's relevant somehow. But back to my night... We made our way to the house of Don Perignon and proceeded to have a fabulous evening. Karl Lagerfeld was there, dressed like a vampire who couldn't decide if death was worth it and following him was a parade of cameras and journalist. We star fucked for most of the evening and at one point made out with each other on a couch next to Topher Grace. A more ambitious young man would of networked himself to death by the end of the night but we kept a low profile and reveled in our presence at such a vanity fair. The party was drowning in champagne and beautiful people but it's hard for me to hold a grudge against the crowd because at least they make their money selling perfume and clothes and not bombs and insurance. Like Cinderella our coach turned into a pumpkin after midnight so we left the party fairly early and eventually settled on a taxi back to our humble home. Our time has not come yet, but I can feel the rippening. Did I mention the waiters had mask? Something about mask makes you want to pull them in the bathroom and have them service you, no? My ex girlfriend arrives next week. I'm really excited to see her. Im still jobless which is actually kind of great because it means I can show her around town. My pockets are empty however but I've decided not to break a sweat over it. There's always the emergency exit. (Comment on this)
Monday, May 30th, 2005
1:08 pm	Ornaments I dont want to own, or make claims, on anything that isn't mine exclusively. And nothing is mine but my ambitions and memories. We're just kids, and we're obligated to make the most of it. Who wants to be 50, look back on their 20s, and forever feel like they missed the party. I'll make an effort to just enjoy every day as the day it is and not worry about tomorrow. You build your house on stone - your 20s are something like a beach and it's still a long way to solid ground. Come on Summer.
Tuesday, May 24th, 2005
3:28 pm	why i need a job instead of free time 8 cards Where you are now: The Sun (Helios) Wanting a union, recognition, or religious seeking. What is against you: The Magus (The Magician) New Beginnings, manifesting, houses property or finances. The future. The Underlying Problem: Warrior of Pentegrams troubled by insecurity, one who is indifferent to your goals. What you are not seeing: The Moon The law of balance, for every happiness a sadness, for every positive gain a negative challenge. day and night. How to accept the problem: The Gate of the Sanctuary (The High Priestess) Visualize the desired result. Act as if you are already what you want to be. Best way to procede: 3 Pentegrams Push yourself and your ideas on others. force. Esoteric advice: 8 Pentegrams You are not equiped to change conditions, seek others who have more experience or greater knowledge. An Outcome: The 4 swords A rest is needed before any further action can be taken. (Comment on this)
Monday, May 23rd, 2005
2:20 pm	Tagged one. total number of books i own: Im up to about 80. I kick myself daily for the 300 or so I owned in Texas and SF that I sold to get to NYC two. the last book i bought: Machiavelli - The Prince three. the last book i read: H.B. Bruers - The Romans four. five books that mean a lot to me: The Hero With A Thousand Faces, J Campbell The Dhammapada Christ, Jack Miles A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, D Eggers (yes I know...but it really is important to me) anything by Thoreau. We don't make Americans like that anymore (Comment on this)
Saturday, May 21st, 2005
1:43 pm	Saturday It's been 7 or 8 days since I've gone on the patch. I hate it, I don't know what to do with myself. I'd smoke today accept I don't want to hear it from Alan or Tom. Well just Alan, I wouldn't hear anything from Tom - that'd be the punishment. I suppose that's the point though, keep your friends around so that if you fail you have a circle of people pointing and laughing. You could argue that real friends are the ones that scold you for self destructive habits but then again that's the funny thing about friends, you can alway buy new ones. And if you don't think you can buy real friends then you don't know much about people. Or at the very least - you were at the wrong party Thursday. nicotine is like oil that keeps the joints greased, without it everything becomes very mechanical and clunky. Patience is thin. Even with the patch it isnt the same, it's missing something. Patch nicotine is some kind of synthetic nicotine, it's the nutrasweet. Last night Tom and I walked past the projects, I don't know if it's my nerves or what but I blurted out something about being "over" the lower class. I realized that I meant it. It wasn't just a cigarette headache or the cold, I mean it - I'm not going to help them. They don't really want our help, they find it patronizing. We don't really want to give any help, we just feel guilty. So let's just call it as it is - Pull yourself up by the bootstraps - or accept that you stuck in the mud and going nowhere. job hunt isnt going so well. then again it isn't much of a hunt. i haven't tried very hard. i don't know what I am expecting. Alan is standing in front of me in a towel. I flirt with him a lot but truthfully I don't find him nearly as attractive as I used to. Taste change I guess. I wonder if him coming to New York was a mistake. I wonder if he'll learn anything? I want to buy a cat. But I can't tell if I really want to buy a cat - I mean a cat is a long term investment. I might have that cat for sometime - it might be like that cat in Alien and Aliens and Alien3 - it might last through friends, and apartments, and boyfriends, and other cats, and then it'll die and it will just be me and Ill make some sort of mental note about how my cat dying represents a whole era of my life passing. It will be triumphant, violins playing in the back ground, me in a chair cuddling my dead cat, flashback sequences, and then moving on. Scene: Blank space, like an open field, only the ground is flat and marble and black. There is no sky, only infinite space. Brian Walks in a Dark Brown Suit with a light lime green shirt and lavender flower on his lapel. His dress shoes tap against the floor. A cat, Ajax The Greater, is walking opposite him but towards him. Ajax is small and brown and spotted. The two meet in the middle of the distance between them. Ajax sits on its hind legs, Brian crouches down. BRIAN: Im sorry you had to die before I did. AJAX: We have been on an adventure together, my heart is too small, of course I died first. BRIAN: I loved you...I still do. AJAX: Mourn me for 5 years and then on this day adopt a new cat, make sure she is all white, and name her Balthazar. BRIAN: Is it scary? AJAX: Death? BRIAN: Being forgotten... AJAX: No, not so much. Be sure to bring a jacket though, I know you don't like the cold. Ajax stands, turns, and walks away from Brian. About 30 feet from Brian, Ajax jumps as if catching a small insect, then continues to walk until out of sight. Brian waits for Ajax to disappear then turns and walks away, fade lights. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 18th, 2005
10:03 pm	Isis Horus Set IHS - look familiar? anyhow - I was doing a writing exercise and thought I would copy it over here, I know without any context it seems sort of random but still... Brass Molded ceilings Egypt Cyprus Rome (Hellenic etc) Chandeliers Olive Green Powder Blue Temperance (the card) Solomon Martial Arts Roman Numerals Snakes Peppermint Tea Steps A Gold Ring with a Stag on it Savannah Cats Robert Motherwell Paintings Arrows painted white Catholic Churches Rectangles Six Shooters Icons Acupuncture Plains A Door with Moss Growing on it Keys (Old fashioned) The Grim Reaper Hell Money Lions Gold Arabic Script (1 Comment |Comment on this)
4:12 pm	Helios And today is much better. Actually it's been just the week I needed. There's been a few things that have altered my rotation this last week and today I've been talking to myself trying to sort it all out and decide what it means. I suppose first I should start with the beginning. I had a conversation with Tom on Monday, and in the course of the conversation I made the statement that while I used to believe very much in the principles of Buddhism and their idea of reality and its consequence I have decided that now I see it as shortsighted. This is something of a hallmark moment for me as I have two of the noble truths tattooed on my arms. It's too complicated to write down here why I've had a reversal of thought about the inherent truths of Buddhism but all the same I believe the affair is over for now. This conversation came about the day I quit smoking and speaking of the subject - today is day 5. Granted I am on the patch but I feel much better today then I did a few days ago. I do not want a cigarette. To the contrary actually - this morning before I put my patch on I took a drag from Jane's cigarette and disgusted myself. The taste was terrible. The smoke affected my entire face and I realized that this time around I may very well be done with it for good. My only regret now about it is that perhaps smoking would of been different had I chose quality over marketing. This thought actually fractaled out into a whole chain of thoughts I am about to relate to you but for the moment let me focus on smoking. Despite this mornings error I still believe there is a charm to the ritual of smoking and that its effects can be pleasant. I wish now I had bought quality cigarettes and had the self control to only enjoy them sparringly. I think all parties would of found this tolerable and in the end I wouldn't of had to resort to such painstaking and dramatic efforts to quit. I think Tom was more offended by the addiction itself than the smell of a smoker. As a compromise to this though I did buy a handsome box of cigars and after I feel that I have exorcised myself from the habit of smoking cheap chemical treated leaves and paper manufactured by a company that most certainly does not have my politcal ambitions in it's agenda - I think I will learn to treat myself to tobacco proper. As to what I hinted at earlier about choosing quality over convenience I was think about what a shit product Camel Cigarettes were when I started to think about other things in my life. I've decided that I'm going to quit a lot of things since my whole life is about to change. It's a big opprotunity for me. Cresha and Jane are the two dearest friends that I will ever have, but my life with them as a collective unit is about to end very soon. In a very abstract way they are the last of the childish things I have yet to put away. To mark this occasion I am going to start trying to live a more authentic life. To that end I plan to first, eliminate plastics as much as reasonably possible. No more cotton poly blends. No more coke bottles. No plastic furniture or watches. I want to keep the original elements in my life as much as possible. Granted some things require plastics to function such as this computer and my walkman and CDs etc and those things can not be helped but in the areas where I have a choice I chose to do without it. An extention of this is getting rid of mass produced goods, as much as is reasonably possible. So many 'things' already exist in the world, many of them elegant and available second hand. I shouldn't need to have something soley because it is new. Included in that is Coca Cola. For all the fuss over smoking I think Soda is my real vice and will take much much longer to get over. That sounds corny I suppose but its very true. Id like to replace it with teas and wine and water. There was a whole list actually of things but I dont think its prudent to record it all here. My little personal revolutions can be summed up in the spirit of - having more respect for the authenticity of my own life. Which is not to say I am converting to Tom-ism. I've been sort of wrestling with this today, because in a relationship, once you become so much like your partner, that's usually when your partner starts to find you less interesting and ergo becomes less interested. Protest as you may it's the truth because a good relationship needs friction - the differences are the meat and sinew of a good relationship. Our minds are different enough but I'm afraid of us conceding too much to each other. Nothing to do but let it play itself out I guess but still I'm keeping alert. Much later I am going to write up a manifesto. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, May 16th, 2005
6:40 pm	wild with ivy to my left is an ashtray. on my back is a nicotine patch. the two are at odds with each other. there's a metaphor in here somewhere. I got a haircut today which makes me feel like a real person. It's a good feeling, especially since I haven't been feeling like a real person lately. I need a job. Actually - I need to suck it up and go apply for some kind of work with a temp agency. It would be dishonest to take a job that I can't commit to. This morning I had plans to write an epic live journal entry but now I'm having a hard time working up the juice. My day was too long and taxing. That's a lie. It wasn't long or taxing...I'm just exhausted from grinding my teeth all day. I want to smoke. I want a cigarette. I want to taste the charcol in my throat and pull the velvet down my lungs. I want to feel the nicotine make my hairs stand on end and I want the lack of oxygen to drag me on to the couch. Then I want to wait an hour and do it again. I am not in shape, I am not ripped, I cut a lean figure. I live it that way. I'm not an optimist. I'm not a cynic either but smoking has a sort of realism about it. The opposite is true also, I once told Tom that smoking cigarettes is like a visable form of HIV. It's only a matter of time till you progress to the more painful and uglier side of your illness. I hate trying to quit, because I know it will fail. Then I'll have to go through all the same bullshit again. Only each time I go through the cycle it just gets worse for my personal life. I decided to quit this time for a few reasons; one, it's getting closer and closer to time for me to move and I can't live with Tom and smoke. he's tolerant to a point but it's a trainwreck I'd rather avoid since things have been so great lately otherwise. Second my family made such a big deal about it when I was there, I hate being that guy. Finally I do actually want to live and seeing as how both of my grandparents died from Lung Cancer it's obvious that I will get it to if I don't get my shit together. I think I'm going to enjoy old age so I'd like to make provisions for it now. Then again i might hate old age so who knows right? But none of those reasons are the right reasons which is why I know this isnt going to work. I want to quit because I can't afford it - gee ok thats great but there's no conviction there. I dont _want_ to quit smoking. Which is stupid. Which only makes me more angry at myself - why don't I want to quit? It's an awful habit that is surely going to kill me. It's expensive and not so attractive and I only started smoking to spite my father but we're much better now and I don't have any reason to hurt him. So why dont I want to? Like really want to - the way some people want to change the world or want to go on a diet? Do I have no self control? Am I just a selfish person? Is it really the addiction talking? I dont know - its fascinating for me in a way. If I could take a pill that would make me forget to smoke would it be easier for me to say I wanted to quit? Is it because this is work and it is hard and I am uncomfortable? Or is it because I feel like I am giving up a part of myself for someone else - and not just you Tom, for my mom and dad and everyone else who wishes I didn't smoke? Anyways - So I'm jobless still as I mentioned above. I think I'm taking it better than I did last time although I have to say I think I feel worse about it. It's strange how some things in your life can be perfect while others can be complete shit. I didn't exactly set the world on fire. I see all these people who managed to make something really amazing out of there lives and I always thought I was one of those people but today I was nervous as shit when I had to call some people I didn't know to make sure they got thier tickets. If a stranger can rack your nerves that bad what does that say about how much you truely believe in yourself? If you're terrified of conflict are you really going to be any good at being a lawyer? Or working in policy? In fact - am I just kidding myself about doing that kind of work? i guess I wont know till I get there but I think Im just a type B personality who's - well its best described in the metaphor - a sheep in wolf's clothing. Look - I'm just venting. In a week I might feel completly better - I don't know. I just need to write down my reservations. I need to shake this stigma around myself. I feel like Im cursed at the moment in some ways - although I know I have it better than a lot of people. Or I guess I just feel sort of useless - like I have nothing to offer the working world, no tools to see my personal ambitions come to fruition. I have middle management written all over me. I'm not bummer - Im actually pretty chipper. I think I picked the wrong time to go on the patch but I'd hate to stop now and try to start again later. Although maybe the first day of school would of been a better quit date. Ok im rambling - which is what this is for but still its getting old. (1 Comment |Comment on this)